What future brings

I'm a little tired. A little lost. A new year brings thoughts of what and where.

What did 2025 bring me? Did I take what the universe offered? Did I add something back?

Where is 2026 going? Am I making efforts to steer this ship? Am I submitting to shores unknown?

Reflecting on whether 2025 was 'successful', whether I 'achieved'. Whether I was enough. I want in some way to know that there's been value to my existence. That things are being written in the Universe's ledger.

Like many of us at this time of year I find myself wandering here, trapped in the middle of those questions, trying to piece together what happened. So maybe I can know what 2026 could - no, should - look like.

(Well one of many versions of me is here doing this at least. Jono-reflective takes centre stage for a bit for this. Ponderous. Slow. Tired. Values staring out of windows for several minutes at a time. )

It wasn't 'successful' really. That's my honest truth of it. I started many things that I didn't finish. Leaving a fragmented mess of file names and pixels. I half-curated my attention and so ended up back in endless attention-eating streams of junk content. I avoided asking the hard questions because it's easier than facing them. I also didn't track any of it which means I'm not entirely sure what I did do.

I am hugely frustrated by this. Time is so limited. Another version of me rages in the dark.

Just like solstices mark out the turning of light, New Year marks out the turning of time. I suppose that is why we focus so much around this annual temporal landmark. Not because we are celebrating the arrival of something - ultimately just an arbitrary number on a line of time - but because we want to mark out a regular moment to pivot ourselves around. A chance to change the lines direction.

Felicia Day in her biography wrote, "No matter what you feel is holding you back in life, you can attempt anything." I made myself a meme-y image of it and stuck it on Insta years ago. I keep attempting things ever since. Successful or otherwise...

I rarely take it all this seriously. Last year I wrote a quick list… and just as quickly forgot about it. Maybe this year I'm just more reflective as I approach the 9th year of retirement. 'Flexibly Retired Data Bod' reads my LinkedIn profile. I thought at the time I would find space to use myself for something good. Achieve things. In hindsight I think I was just protecting an identity. A way of continuing to believe things were ok. I find as the years roll by that version of me seems very distant. A vaguely silhouetted work-hard Jono. (Zealous. Enthused. Always developing. Values hoarding large piles of data in excel sheets.)

He isn't convinced I achieved a lot this year but he also always believes strongly in never giving up.

So we get to the question of being enough in 2025. Which turns out to be a silly way of thinking.

A brief aside. The thing is, I have Muscular Dystrophy and something they don't tell you is just how tired this disease of mine will make you feel. Yes they give you lists of symptoms and talk about muscle tissue repair. Rattle off text about the progressive process of fibrous destruction. Make genetic entries on databases reducing it all to just bits of DNA going awry. But as much as they explain mechanisms, they never really tell you just how tired you will feel.

Tired in your bones. Tired like the ancient oak in endless wind, wondering if its trunk is finally going to break. Tired like a well worn boot.

All the Jonos are tired like this now. Every single day. Even the zoomy one. (Distractable. Giddy. Values rampant flippancy)

What does enough even look like in that context? It's hard to calibrate self-worth when surrounded by videos of mums in immaculate houses, bashing through transformational DIY projects, while still gleefully preparing meals for a family of ten. Dads on their fourth hour of role play adventures with excited 5 year olds and simultaneously hiking 400 miles a week. How can anyone be enough against that kind of energy? Are there statistics on the hyper-energetic? It isn't real for the majority I'm sure. Reality? Some days I can lift a spoon!

With a very limited capacity and endlessly tired muscles it is silly to expect anything could be measured on the scale of zero to enough. Maybe just getting through the days should count. Rule #1 of holding your head up high: Don't Compare Yourself. It's silly.

I've also realised it isn't right to think of the work-hard Jono as a better version of me that has been lost. He was just a different version with different priorities and skills and because these are attributes are all really just facets of me, the important parts are still around when they need to be. When I need to live those values again. So this year I am going to welcome a more accept-all Jono to spend more time at the table. (Gentle. Understanding. Values accepting things just for what they are.) 

In 2026 I want to finally accept that I shouldn't punish myself for lacking achievements or relentlessly self flagellate for an unsuccessful year. Even contemplating the idea of being enough to deserve that year is ludicrous. In 2026 I think just being *is* enough. Just trying is enough. Going forward, I'm going to try to stop asking what I achieved last year. Instead I am just going to ask if I took the time that was given to me and made the very best I could with it. 2025? I can say: 'I really didn't!' But I can also add: '...and that's ok' . I'm going to ask if I can take what time 2026 brings and do a better job with it.

I can.

I can also forgive myself now if I don't. Everyone gets an A for trying.

What should 2026 look like then?

• I'd like to take the ongoing gift of time to write more of this. Though maybe let myself off the hook for it having to feel like good writing. That is not the purpose of this place. If I want good writing, I'll read other people!
• I hope to take any opportunities 2026 brings to create more art. Just fun stuff. Maybe do a podcast. If only to remind myself I am a writer, not a talker. Maybe back to some terrible poetry for nothing more than attempting.
• I feel I should be better at valuing and growing the people around me. I want to see people thrive. I've spent a lot of 2025 with some wonderful online friends. I'm definitely keeping that going. I've also managed to see most of my offline friends, though more would be good. I've lost people I didn't give enough time to and I don't think I should let that happen again.
• I could try to remember the new things I experience. Some kind of journal of the good stuff. Maybe here. Maybe gathering my Discord waffles. Its my ledger after all. Not the Universe's.

I guess I really see those as challenges of my own resolve to use time as best I can on a few areas I value. It's not a list of resolutions to achieve. It doesn't dictate success.

Let's just see what future brings...